The Mirror, of Your Regard
( beneath a Sapphired Sky )
yes, as Time, goes by, and, it may appear that I do not ‘seem’ to communicate with U quite so often, I just wanted U to know that there will probably never be a time when I do not ‘want’ to talk or write to U . . .
it is more of taking a ‘path of least resistance’ by allowing U to ’embrace the space’ if U will, or perhaps allowing U to ‘move on’ as U wished to without my being ‘around’ in whatever form or fashion, even when it comes down to emails or phone calls . . .
with that said, and after almost two months since my departure, there has never been a day when I have not thought of U (of ALL of U) and of how much I miss U and ‘da Boyz’, and of how difficult it is to try and build a life without those who were so very important to me, for so very long, being so very far away . . .
and while I absolutely do understand your reasons, motivations, and need to initiate a change in your life, the ‘direction’, the ‘meaning’, the ‘purpose’, and so on, but there is no denying the fact that my own life has been seriously ‘diminished’, by losing the ‘proximity’ to those I hold so dear to my heart, and, yes, to those I have loved, and still love . . .
yes, as Time, goes by, I will (slowly) learn to adjust to the reality of this, and to my own responsibility for ‘why’ this all happened, and ‘why’ U chose to make what must have been a very tough decision, and ‘why’ U may have felt there was no other choice to make . . . believe me, I do understand more than U know, and I can honestly say that I do not blame U, in any way, for doing what U had to do, nor for doing what I know (that U know) in your heart was the ‘right’ thing to do . . .
it doesn’t make ‘missing All of U’ any easier though, and ‘missing All of U’ is a constant and inescapable reminder of all the things I would do differently if God would ever grant me a second chance to get it right, to correct the mistakes I made, and the decisions that went along with them, along with a re-evaluation of the person I was, and the person I seemed to have become, especially in terms of how my own ‘self-centered’ behavior, fueled by the presence and severity of my ‘physical’ afflictions, which certainly affected not only my own ‘self-image’ and ‘public’ persona, but the course and quality of our lives and our relationship from day One . . . and in the end, after six remarkable years together, these ‘issues’ drove the ‘Us’, along with our dreams, right into the ground . . .
and there are no words, in any language, that could ever convey just how truly sorry I am for the hardship, the heartache, and the emotional and financial burden this surely has caused U . . .
so, I am dealing with these things as best I can, along with being almost 40 days without a cigarette, and I am even managing to either use my rowing machine or ride 5 miles a day on a bicycle to improve and tone up my abdominal strength, which certainly helps address or ameliorate a few of those other physical ‘constants’ that have plagued me, and therefore Us, for so long . . .
I know this is all ‘too little, too late’ as far as U and I are concerned, but I just wanted U to know that I have not become a total ‘lost cause’, and I am taking far better care of myself these days . . . and in a very big way, I have U to thank for this, because U have made me ‘see’ what it was that needed to be ‘fixed’ as far as my physical and emotional health was concerned . . . I do have a long way to go, but it’s one day at a time . . .
anyway . . . I will let U get back to what U might have been doing, and I pray every day that All of U are still faring well, and the winter is not too severe, that All of U are safe, and warm, and secure, and just maybe . . .
missing Grace and me . . .
just a little bit . . .